TL;DR I put up a good fight against rails asset pipeline. The only solution I
could get to work was adding
config.assets.debug = true to my production.rb.
The solution I came up with was to deploy the assets to production as is, i.e.
in debug mode. This is done simply by placing
config.assets.debug = true in your production.rb. To cut down on load times, you can also set
config.serve_static_files = true and precompile your assets in production. This can simply be done by running
RAILS_ENV=production bundle exec rake assets:precompile.